Behind Closed Doors
by Calliope - Muse of epic poetry
Summary: There's one place at Hogwarts where hardly any students ever set their feet and that's the staffroom. So what does the teachers do when they are alone, what are they discussing behind closed doors?
1. First Day Back

**Disclaimers: **We do not own anything from the books of Harry Potter and we are certainly not making any money from this story. Everything you might recognise belongs to J K Rowling, her editor and Warner Bros. (Though as far as we know, the plot is ours.)

**Summary: **There's one place at Hogwarts where hardly any students ever set their feet and that's the staffroom. So what does the teachers do when they are alone, what are they discussing behind closed doors?

**Author's notes:** Have you ever wondered what the teachers of Hogwarts are like in private? Well, we have. We are two authors (Sweetnelli and Calliope – Muse of Epic Poetry) writing this story together and we'll be writing our version (trying to make it as close to canon as possible) of the Hogwarts staff. We will be writing different scenes, some longer and some shorter, from the staffroom, not necessarily in chronological order, but always based on the characters and the books.

We have quite a few ideas, but you are all welcome to tell us if you have an idea of your own or if you think something's missing. We deeply appreciate reviews and comments of all kinds, but please take in consideration that neither one of us is a native speaker.

**Behind Closed Doors**

**First Day Back**

A swishing sound was heard through the corridor on the third floor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Suddenly, a very small man with a very large suitcase appeared from behind the corner. He whistled happily and didn't seem too bothered by his heavy burden; in fact it almost seemed to be hovering behind him.

A bit further down the corridor he stopped in front of two ugly, stone gargoyles. "Chocolate frogs." he squeaked.

"Welcome back, Professor Flitwick! Had a nice holiday?" one of them said as the door opened.

"Very pleasant, thank you!" he answered as he stepped inside the room.

"Ah, Filius, back at last. Have you had a nice vacation?" a tartan clad woman said when he had entered.

"Oh, yes, France is lovely this time of the year." The answer came from somewhere of the level of the stern looking woman's hip.

"The staff room has been too empty without you the last week." said a plump woman with earth and dirt on her hat.

"Thank you, Pomona." said Flitwick to the woman known by her students as Professor Sprout.

"Has everyone arrived, Minerva?"

"No, Albus, the new one…"

"Professor Quirrell." Professor Dumbledore told his Deputy Headmistress.

"Professor Quirrell, has not arrived yet." The woman in tartan, Professor Minerva McGonagall, continued as she sat down in one of the armchairs by the fire.

Walking between the mismatched armchairs in search of an empty one, Filius Flitwick finally found one close to the darkest corner, beside the bookcase. As he climbed into the armchair, which seemed very large compared to himself, he saw a pale face in the shadowy corner. "Oh… Severus," he squealed, "I didn't see you there…"

"That might have been the point by this seating arrangement."

"Ah, glad to have the students back I see."

"You have no idea." the large nosed Professor Snape answered from behind a curtain of black hair.

"Well, anyway, I fancy a cup of tea, would you like some?"

A raised eyebrow was Snape's only answer before he sunk back into his chair. Flitwick pushed himself down from the, for him, way too large armchair and headed towards the sideboard on top of which stood a wide assortment of teacups in all sizes and designs. Standing on tip toes, he managed to reach a quite small, blue mug with the Ravenclaw crest on it. He smiled fondly at the mug, a gift from his colleagues when he had been made Head of Ravenclaw House, before he filled it with steaming cherry tea, milk and sugar.

The chattering room silenced as the door opened again. All the teachers turned around to face the man who now entered.

"Ah, Professor Quirrell, at last, welcome!"

The young man looked nervously around, his purple turban wiggled on his head.

"It's an ho- ho- honour to m- meet you, S- S- Sir." he stuttered.

"Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher? He seems frightened by his own shadow." Madam Hooch whispered to Professor Vector, her yellow cat eyes glittering with amusement.

"Please, sit down." the headmaster Albus Dumbledore said as he motioned towards the empty armchair beside his own.

"And what's that smell?" the Arithmancy teacher whispered back to the flying instructor. "I certainly hope that he is given an office on another floor than mine."

"As we now all are gathered, I would like to welcome you all back to a new year. I hope everyone had a good summer. If not, I can certainly recommend Hawaii." Quite a few smiles were seen at this comment, though one face remained impassive. "Good, good. In front of you" he flicked his wand, "you will find the list with the new first-years."

A quiet murmur filled the room as everybody eyed through their lists. "Susan Bones, her aunt Amelia Bones is Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement." someone told his neighbour.

"Longbottom, Neville… Such a tragedy with his parents." Professor McGonagall said, shaking her head, a sad look on her face.

"It seems you've got a clear bunch of Slytherins as usual, Severus. Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle and quite a few more." said the Head of Hufflepuff, Professor Sprout, to her fellow Head of House colleague.

"Though you never know until the Sorting Hat has had its say, do you?" Dumbledore said, a twinkle in his eyes.

Then the room suddenly got completely quiet until someone finally said, almost in a whisper, "Harry Potter? _The_ Harry Potter? The Boy Who Lived?"

As McGonagall asked Dumbledore whether that really could be right, the silent room all of a sudden wasn't that silent anymore. In his corner, Professor Snape had frozen I shock, but just as fast as this had happened, he sprung to action again as Flitwick spilled his tea and with a wave of his wand, the tea disappeared from the small professor's lap.

"Calm down, he's just a child and should be treated as such. He himself didn't know he was _the_ Harry Potter until a few weeks ago." and for once the old headmaster sounded quite stern, leaving no room for arguments. "Well, I think that was all for today. You will receive your schedules at breakfast tomorrow morning. Well, off you go. You've better be well rested tomorrow when the students arrive." he said kindly. As he rose, he addressed Professor Snape, "Severus, a word in my office before you go to bed, if you please." and the two men walked out of the Hogwarts staffroom, the younger professor's black cloak billowing behind him.

**Author's notes:** Look out for more teacups and the tea the professors are drinking, they are all carefully planned.

We are aware that it's common though that Professor Quirrell has been teaching at Hogwarts before, but according to _tHBP_ no Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher has managed to stay for longer than a year for a very long time, hence he must be new (or rather old, in which case, you'll have to pretend that Dumbledore hasn't informed his staff about who's coming back).


	2. Teacups and Christmas Carols

**Disclaimers: **We do not own anything from the books of Harry Potter and we are certainly not making any money from this story. Everything you might recognise belongs to J K Rowling, her editor and Warner Bros. (Though as far as we know, the plot is ours.)

**Summary: **There's one place at Hogwarts where hardly any students ever set their feet and that's the staffroom. So what does the teachers do when they are alone, what are they discussing behind closed doors?

**Author's notes:** Thank you for the reviews. Well, it's August, so we thought some Christmas spirit was in order. (Especially since the weather has decided that it's October. – Nothing says Christmas like storms during the summer.) Enjoy…

**Behind Closed Doors **

Teacups and Christmas Carols 

"Hagrid! How many times have I told you to shake off your coat _before_ you enter the staffroom?"

"Yeh're lookin' at the tree, Professer McGonagall."

"Oh, dear…", her eyes widened as Hagrid's bushy head appeard from behind the tree.

"You don't think that a tree that hides _you_ is _a bit_ too large?"

"Didn' think abou' that…"

"No matter, it will be just splendid!" Dumbledore said with a beaming smile. A half amused snort was heard from on of the corners.

"Severus seems to like it, maybe you should place it in his corner so he can hide behind it during the Christmas party." said Madam Hooch.

"It would save him the trouble of inventing an excuse not to come." William Vektor filled in.

"I'll remember that when you come to me for a hangover-relief potions after the party."

"Don't be so grumpy, Severus." Dumbledore said as he made his teacup sing _Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer_.

"A gold and cerice teacup in the shape of a sock, which sings Christmas carols; can it be more exaggerated?" Vektor whined.

"I'll remember the teacup I had when I was able to drink tea. It was…"

"…brown, we know, thank you very much!" Madam Pince interrupted irritably. With a resigned sigh, Professor Binns faded away.

"There, there, the tree's waiting. Let us all give it our own personal touch." the headmaster said while he hung a small replica of the castle, coverd in glitter, on one of the branches. The other teachers gathered around the tree and did their best to use their own ornaments to hide those the headmaster found "just splendid". However, this didn't seem to lessen his Christmas joy.

Feeling slightly nauseous from all the merriment, the Potions master rose to go and drown his sorrows in a cup of tea. Finding his plain, black mug on the sideboard holding the staff's mugs, he filled it with the strong, bitter tea he preferred. He turned around only to come face to face with Dumbledore and instinctively knew what was coming. With a twinkle and a flash of light, his teacup became green and coverd with dancing Santas. Ignoring what had just happened, he took a sip from the tea, but instantly regretted it.

"Albus, I realise that I'm forced to accept you changing my cup, but leave my tea alone; not everyone drinks your blasted lemontea with that humongous amount of sugar!" Snape snarled.

"Cheer up, Sevrus! Some sugar hasn't killed anyone."

"Actually it has." the younger man said as he swept out of the staffroom, leaving his colleagues to enjoy the Holliday.

Reaching the end of the hallway, he realised that he couln't leave it. Cursing the old fool, he turned around and started to walk back.

"Ah, Severus, back so soon? Just in time for some Cristmas carols" Dumbledore smiled.

"I should have known better than to think that I would be able to escape." he complained as he sat down again.

"No, no, Severus, come here, we need a bass."

"Why do you force the poor man to join us when he clearly doesn't want to?" Sprout asked with concern.

"Oh, he does want to join us, he simply likes to put up his grumpy facade." the headmaster whispered back as he gathered them all in front of the fireplace.

"Let's start with _Silent night_." he continued. "I'll give the pitch" he said and started to conduct the others with his wand. Soon his eyes started to tear, making the others wonder whether it was because he thought the music beautiful or because they sung terribly off key.

When the last "Jesus the Saviour is" had died away, Dumbledore wiped the tears from the corner of his eyes. "Marvellous; remember Irma, this is not a library, you don't have to whisper. Nice bass, Severus, as always."

Irma Pince's cheeks grew slightly red as Dumbledore had Filius Flitwick sing _Joy to the world_. Soon thereafter they left the staffroom to join the students in the Great Hall for the traditional Christmas dinner.


	3. A Pink Hogwarts?

**Disclaimers: **We do not own anything from the books of Harry Potter and we are certainly not making any money from this story. Everything you might recognise belongs to J K Rowling, her editor and Warner Bros. (Though as far as we know, the plot is ours.)

**Summary: **There's one place at Hogwarts where hardly any students ever set their feet and that's the staffroom. So what does the teachers do when they are alone, what are they discussing behind closed doors?

**Author's notes:** We're so sorry for the delay in updating this story. As we are two students writing it together we very seldom have the time to meet up and write and we can only hope that you'll be able to overlook out shortcomings. We hope you'll enjoy this chapter.

**Behind Closed Doors **

By Sweetnelli and Calliope – Muse of Epic Poetry

A Pink Hogwarts? 

The snow was whirling outside the window only to come to rest on the windowsill. Inside a fire was cracking merely in the hearth and chattering voices could be heard from the armchairs around the fireplace. Albus Dumbledore's hearty chuckle was easily distinguished as he laughed at the matron's, Poppy Pomfrey's, comment about his new socks.

"Spots became out of fashion two years ago, especially lime green ones." Gildroy Lockhart said superiorly as he joined his colleagues and saw the socks. "You can read all about it in my latest book _Spotting Society Socks_."

"So did pointed hats a century ago, but that has yet to stop me." he beamed.

Changing the subject, Lockhart continued. "Headmaster, I've come to inform you that I've got the most splendid idea." He exclaimed happily while gesturing wildly with his hands.

"And I assume that you would like to tell us."

Inhaling deeply, as if he was about to announce the love of his life – himself – he begun, "The most festive of festivals is soon be celebrated…" he made a pause, slightly longer than was strictly necessary, before he announced "…Valentine's Day!"

At his exclamation Poppy's cheeks coloured slightly, Snape quickly sunk even further into the darkness of his usual corner and Dumbledore looked at his Defence Against the Dark Arts Teacher with mild amusement combined with polite interest.

"We do not normally pay attention to that particular festival; it's not like the children need any encouragement in these sort of things." the Deputy Headmistress explained. At her words, Snape snorted, clearly informing everyone of his point of view in the matter.

"Indeed, Minerva, look at Percy Weasly and Miss Clearwater; it was only yesterday that I came upon them I an empty classroom."

"Oh, they make such a good match!" Pomona Sprout exclaimed enthusiastically.

"Indeed, though this came as no surprise to _me_."

"Fantastic, would I dare to ask you what other couples the future holds, Sybill?" Lockhart asked interestedly.

"My inner eye must not be misused."

"Yes, that would surely be terrible, now, wouldn't it?" McGonagall sniffed. At her words, Trelawney let out an indignant huff and turned away from her not so supportive colleague.

"I know whom I would like to see together," Sprout said in an attempt to lighten the mood, "Ernie Macmillian and Susan Bones!" Some nodds were seen around the room.

"Or Millicent Bullstrode and Marcus Flint." Andromeda Sinastra suggested.

"No, too much of an age difference." Flitwick said while shaking his head in such a forceful manner, he almost fell off his chair.

"How about Angelina Johnson and Fred Weasley?" Hooch continued and was greeted by another round of approving nods.

"Aahh, love! I remember my schooldays; every girl was dying to go out with me!" Lockhart proudly told them, causing Snape to let out a disbelieving snort. Though Gildroy didn't notice – he was too busy making sure his curls lay in perfect order.

"Anyway, does anyone have any ideas how to celebrate Valentine's Day?" he continued, pausing only a heartbeat. "Didn't think so, I, however, have a few suggestions." From his robe he then pulled out a scroll that turned out to be over ten feet long. The others simply stared at him with their eyes wide open and Snape sunk, if possible, even further down in his chair.

"Suggestion number one," Lockhart cheerfully read out loud while looking around the room in search for shared interest, mistaking their chock for support. He then continued, "All lessons should contain something associated to the theme of the day such as love potions and turning charts into hearts." Most of his colleagues took a sudden interest in their tea as he steadfastly continued.

About an hour later, practically everyone gave a start when they heard the most ridiculous suggestion so far.

"Suggestion number four hundred and thirty six: Turning the castle pink with heart shaped doors, in red of course, and windows."

At this point, Dumbledore felt the need to save his teachers from suffocating from chock. "Thank you, Gildroy, I think that's quite enough. If you'll give me your list, we'll decide what's possible."

"Thank you, Headmaster." Lockhart smiled, giving him a chance to show off his perfect white teeth.

"And thank _you_, Albus." Minerva said as the teachers hurried out of the room, leaving a slightly confused Defence Against the Dark Arts Teacher behind, but later they severely would regret leaving the decision with Dumbledore.


End file.
